


Possibility

by Annaelle



Series: Marvel Oneshots [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Boys In Love, Bucky's Supportive, But He Also Loves Peggy, DONT READ IF YOU HAVENT SEEN, F/M, Gen, God - Freeform, M/M, ME - Freeform, Peggy is awesome, Steve Has a Lot of Love To Give, Steve Rogers Kind Of Makes a Decision, Trying to make sense of everything, endgame spoilers, steve loves bucky, this is just
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 21:43:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18583168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annaelle/pseuds/Annaelle
Summary: Steve had thought, after watching Bucky turn into dust, after realising that he had lost him again, that he had failed to save him again, that he was surely doomed to live out his days – innumerable as they might be – alone. Surely that had to be the consequence of his cheating death with the serum; he’d been allowed a lifespan he could only have dreamed of, a way to live beyond the age of twenty-seven, but in exchange, he would be forced to live those days alone.KIND OF SORT OF SET DURING ENDGAME. INTROSPECTIVE STEVE. SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS ENDGAME.





	Possibility

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know. 
> 
> This is just... I needed to get this out. This is my take on Steve leaving at the end. 
> 
> Love,   
> Annaelle

**Possibility**

**“I don’t think love is once in a lifetime.**  
I think love is always a possibility.”   
— Lindsay Detwiler, ‘Then Comes Love’ 

**_Steve_ **

Steve had thought, after watching Bucky turn into dust, after realising that he had lost him _again_ , that he had failed to save him _again_ , that he was surely doomed to live out his days – innumerable as they might be – alone. Surely that had to be the consequence of his cheating death with the serum; he’d been allowed a lifespan he could only have dreamed of, a way to live beyond the age of twenty-seven, but in exchange, he would be forced to live those days alone.

The universe had granted him a taste of love – of _real_ , all-encompassing, true love – twice in his life, and though Steve was more than aware that that was more than most people were given, he was desperate and greedy for more, because both of his loves were ripped from him before their time, before they had even had a chance to _be_.

Bucky… Steve had been Bucky’s from the day Bucky had pulled him out of a dumpster at the age of seven and punched Michael DiMaggio in the face for him. Steve had, when Bucky left for war, not known what it was like to not be _Steve &Bucky_. Loving Bucky had grown with Steve, had become as easy as breathing, and he did not know how – _if_ – he could ever stop.

He knew Bucky felt similarly.

And then he had met Peggy, and he had learned that there was a whole new way to love someone, deeply and unreservedly, head over heels and without much of a conscious choice at all.

Peggy had been a breath of fresh air, someone who _saw_ him, and who _knew_ him, almost as easily as Bucky did, without the decades of shared memories, someone who was fierce and strong and beautiful – and who Steve was _allowed_ to love.

He’d done his best, then, during the war, to be fair to his loves, to show them both that his love for the other did not diminish the love he felt for them, because it only _complimented_ each other in his mind. Peggy was strong and determined and so damn competent it left Steve breathless, and Bucky was steady and kind when Steve faltered, helping him and guiding him when he almost lost himself in the horror that had been the war and the battlefields.

And Steve had _loved_.

And then he had _lost_.

He’d failed and he’d _lost_ , and when he had to make a choice… when he had to choose between _living_ , between drawing breath and remembering what it meant to _be_ without Bucky, without the first of his loves, and saving everything that Bucky had died for, between dying, and leaving Peggy, his second, his other love…

There had been only one choice he _could_ make.

He’d died.

And then he’d woken up in a world where nothing he had fought for was the way he remembered it anymore, and his loves were _gone_ , and he was alone, and he could not _breathe_.

He tried.

Dear God, he _tried_.

Family had both been easier and harder to come by than he had anticipated, and before he knew it, he had collected yet another ragtag group of misfits, who did not fit into any other mold than the one they carved out for themselves. He found another Stark – possibly more annoying and endearing than Howard had ever managed to be – and a few spies and a _God_ , somehow, and a whole bunch of people who were so much smarter than Steve it made his heart hurt, because _Bucky_ …

Bucky would have been able to keep up with them.

Bucky would have _loved_ the future.

But Bucky hadn’t made it there, and Steve _refused_ to dishonor his love’s memory by refusing to participate in the world he had somehow fallen into.

So he tried.

And he tried, and somehow, he fell into a rhythm, and though Peggy – his darling, his best girl – was still there, she was also not.

And so he was alone.

And then he had not been, and suddenly _both_ his loves had been there, and Steve had a _chance_ , he had an opportunity, and though it turned out… though he had to _leave_ his new-found family behind, though he had to _lose_ Peggy all over again…

He could not have made a different choice.

Steve had suffered through life without Bucky, without his best guy, once. He would now, forever, be forced to live without his Peggy.

He could not survive losing them both again.

He would not.

So Steve chose Bucky, and damn the consequences. Steve chose Bucky, and he learned to live with all that it brought with, learned to live with the fact that the love of his life – the first – had irrevocably been changed by the things he had suffered through. He learned to slow down, to follow Bucky’s lead again, to allow the friends – the family – that had followed him into exile to help him.

And Steve, for two whole years, had believed that maybe, _just maybe_ , he would be allowed to… _live_.

To _love_.

Two years of stolen kisses and desperate hands tugging at clothes, of furtively sneaking into the country and pretending no one knew he was there, of laughter and tears and _everything_ Steve had always wanted—

And then Thanos had come, and Steve had been forced to watch the love of his life _die_ , right there in front of him, all over again.

God, he _tried_. He _tried_ to make it right, tried to _fight_ , to correct the wrongs that had been wrought upon the world, to bring _everyone_ back, because he _couldn’t_ breathe without Bucky and Peggy – what good were his new lungs, his new life, without them to share it with?

They’d tried to fix it.

They’d failed.

 _He had failed_.

When they returned, when they had found their way back to Earth, Steve wandered off, with no particular direction in mind, until his knees gave out from under him, and all he could do was _scream_ at the injustice of it – because Bucky _deserved_ to live, and so did Sam, and Wanda and _everyone_ who had been wiped out of existence.

He screamed until his voice gave out, until he couldn’t _see_ straight anymore, until Thor fell heavily to his knees beside him and rested a hand on his back.

“How do you _breathe_ ,” Steve sobbed. “I _can’t breathe_ without them.”

“I don’t know,” Thor whispered, voice broken and sad. “I don’t know.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_Five Years Later_ **

In the end, the decision isn’t a very difficult one to make at all.

They’ve lost, still, and the ache smarts at Steve’s heart, but he had _Bucky_ again, and for a time, he remembered how to breathe, how to _be._

“I love you,” he told Bucky, pressed against him from head to toe, their legs tangled beneath the sheets, his nose just barely brushing against Bucky’s, and the rest of the world hidden away by the blanket Bucky pulled over their heads. “I never want to forget to say that again.”

Bucky looked at him, eyes knowing and sad, and Steve’s stomach tightened uncomfortably even before he spoke. “I love you,” Bucky said. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone like I love you. But this….” He dragged his hand up the length of Steve’s back and Steve _shivered_ , before settling on the back of his neck, toying with the soft hair there. “…you’re always going to keep wondering.”

“You’re the love of my life,” Steve insisted, because he _was_ , Steve didn’t love _anyone_ the way he loved Bucky.

Bucky nodded sadly. “I know. But I’m not the only one.”

The words hit him _hard_ , and he gasped, even as Bucky rubbed his thumb over his cheekbone soothingly. “I’ve known you all your life, Stevie. You light up for her. Ain’t fair that you’d get your shot with me, but not with her.”

“Lot of things ain’t fair,” Steve protested weakly.

“Yeah.” Bucky nodded, rubbing his nose against Steve’s lightly. “But you got a chance. Maybe. I just need you to promise me that you’ll take it, finally. Get that life Stark and Nat were always bugging you about. Marry your girl. Pop out a few brats. Go live the life I know you’ve always dreamed of, Steve.”

Steve’s eyes burned, and if his own tears weren’t reflected in Bucky’s eyes, he would be more embarrassed, but as it stood… he’d shared _everything_ with this man. “I can’t. Not without you.”

“I’ll be here,” Bucky whispered fervently. “I’m gonna be right here, waiting for you, Rogers. Always.”

“Buck,” Steve breathed, desperately pressing his lips to Bucky’s. “Bucky, I can’t.”

Bucky kissed him back, softly, slowly, until Steve settled against him again, dragging his fingers through Steve’s hair. “You can. Ain’t fair for me to keep you all to myself. You deserve your shot with her too. You deserve to take that leap too.”

“I love you,” Steve whispered again, tucking his head beneath Bucky’s chin, like when he was small and he fit into Bucky’s arms like he’d been made to fit.

“I know.”

Bucky tightened his arms around Steve and pressed his lips to his head. “I’ll wait. Promise.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_Later_ **

“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back.”

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.”

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’ll be right here.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**“I've learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side.”**

**—Paulo Coelho**


End file.
